Film Scurvy: The Host with the Most!

"The Host"is the best movie ever. Let me repeat that. "The Host" is the best movie EVER. Casablanca? What's that? That movie with the black piano player? I though that was "Ray". What's that? You heard it was the best movie ever? Oh, I'm sorry, sir, you're mistaken. The best movie ever is "THE HOOOOSSSST".

Exaggeration? Maybe. But I can tell you this: it is definitely the best Korean monster movie that is based around the theme of hysteria and misinformation. EVER. (And it's most certainly the best Korean movie at One in the morning.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

"The Host" takes place in South Korea on a beautiful sunny day. A small Korean family is watching the sister in some sort of archery contest on TV (Don't ask, because I don't know). Then this happens:

And that thing is excited for all the wrong reasons.

So when Hyun-seo (pictured above) is kidnapped by the big green thang, her family springs into action and follows her into the depths of the South Korean sewer system! What follows is some of the best person eating I have ever seen. I mean, that sucker just slurps 'em down. It's really quite beautiful.

The movie strikes a nice little chord that crosses "King Kong" with "The Royal Tenenbaums." I know that sounds counterintuitive, but your face is counterintuitive so suck it.

The movie has a surprising indie comedy vibe that's in stark contrast to the science-fiction/monster movie backdrop. It'll throw you for a loop, and you'll be entirely unsure how to classify it when it's over. There are sentiments of family values, tragic flaws, hysteria, all that stuff. It's like watching "The Godfather II" but shorter, Korean and with a scarier monster (The monster in "The Godfather II" is Sofia Coppola).

Korea is mainly known for the many monsters it draws to it's shores every year. So obviously the Korean population has been taught what to do in a situation where a scary mutant monster appears (i.e. run, scream, hide in places where there is zero chance they can escape, cry, make sure there's one guy completely unaware that it's happening until he turns around and every one is dead and he was just hanging out eating noodles, shoot at it, shout at it, call everyone in the world except the military or police, run to the place where the best thrives (i.e. fish monster: water, bird monster: airplane, super fast monster: slightly slower Jeep Grand Cherokee, food monster: kitchen, etc.), piss themselves) but there is one thing I didn't know you are supposed to do: throw trash at it. They're all standing out there by the water when the main character goes up to the waters edge and throws a can at it. Okay, cool. I understand. See if it's awake or whatever. But then every one in the crowd is all "Oooooo! Wo chi men wow! Hacoochi be toi nukka tow ti Bri!" (This roughly translates to: "Hey that guy did something questionable value! Let's do it also!") So they do.

"Yeah! We throw trash at ALL of our monsters in Pakistan!"

What ensues is a long, intense scene where all the onlookers participate in the actions stated above. And someone gets mauled by a dog.

I guess the dog saw his chance. And took it.

About half way through the movie, I began to experience a sensation that I wasn't expecting. A sensation that is usually reserved for The Daily Show and Mark Twain. A sensation that I don't mind hearing and in fact wish I heard more often. A sensation that perhaps America deserves a little poke in the ribs every now and then. And while I do believe and agree with this, I am not necessarily always thinking about it. It's with the likes of Mr. Stewart and Twain that I am reminded of it. "The Host" holds a similar world view. No, that's not entirely accurate. I think instead a poke in the ribs every now and then, this movie feels the way about America the way a farmer feels about a retarded, handicapped horse: it's dumb as shit and we should probably put it down. The movie actually opens with an American chemist convincing a what I assume is a Chinese chemist to pour dozens of bottles of formaldehyde down the sink (It's the Chinese that Koreans hate, right? If not, he was whatever Asian nationality they do hate), leading to the creation of "The Host." It's the American government that declares that the beast is going to cause a global pandemic and uses a strange and new substance called "Agent Yellow" to get rid of it (I think they're still sort of hung up on Vietnam). And it's the Americans who, at the end of the day, slouch back home with their tails between their legs (that's not to say there's dogs in this movie. WARNING: THERE ARE NO DOGS IN THIS MOVIE (Except the one that mauls that one guy)).

In all honesty, though, there are some truly awesome shots in this movie to which I give full credit to the Cinematographer, Kim Hyung-Goo. There's shots that capture the herd mentality that breaks out during mass hysteria:

There are shots capturing the comfort and calm that family can bring about:

There are shots that capture how fucking badass asian archer chicks are:

She can string my bow anytime, although I don't have the slightest idea what that would even entail.

To distract you from that, here's a shot of some of the doctors examining our hero:

I haven't seen this many hacks dressed in white since the Backstreet Boys heyday.

Also, watch for the scene where the entire family writhes on the floor in fits of stunning grief:

It's actually really hilarious.

In short, "The Host" has everything you could want in a movie: action, romance, adventure, epic struggles, characters overcoming obstacles, adventure, peril, asians, family, adventure. This movie's got it all.

Not really, though. It's just a really enjoyable, unusually cerebral monster movie. Like "Godzilla: 2000" but not akin to a lobotomized badger in an adult diaper. Like this: