Film Scurvy: Film Scurvy: TV Edition! "The Office" Viewer's Guide

When you've watched "The Office" for as long as I have, you begin to notice certain things that a person who doesn't devote fifteen hours a week to watching it might not. You may first notice that your ability to craft coherent sentences dwindles and wastes away. But that has less to do with watching "The Office" and more to do with the fact that your brain is slowly melting. However, that is beside that point. I have crafted for you, gentle readers, a coherent and useful guide to watching the consummately funny "The Office." No longer will you watch an episode and wonder "Is this part of a larger story arc? Am I missing valuable information?" or "At what point am I at in Jim and Pam's relationship?" or "Why isn't Jim in this episode?" Well, actually, you probably will because those are all really specific questions that I don't have the time or patience to answer so for God's sake FOCUS, gentle readers!
So without further adieu, I give you "The Office" Viewer's Guide!

PART 1: SIDE EFFECTS OF PROLONGED VIEWING

"The Office" seems to have a strange effect on people. The longer they watch it, the more little references will start to appear in their daily lexicon. For example, one may be having a conversation with somebody and they'll say something like "That's like that time on 'The Office'..." or "Dwight did the same thing!" or "I think I'm in love with you. Like, Jim and Pam in love." It's tolerable to an extent, but to anybody not watching "The Office", it's a perpetual whirlwind of inside jokes and references that you have been excluded from. It's like a lizard trying to hang out with a bunch of seagulls. All the gulls are talking about this really funny sea hawk they know and the lizard's just sitting there like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then he'll say something like, "I met this really awesome gecko the other day!" Then all the seagulls stare at him like he's talking about "Everybody Loves Raymond" while they're talking about "The Office."
One may also discover that they are acutely in tune with the shows beats and habits. For example, almost every episode opens like this: Telephone ring, pan to door, door slam, beat, beat, greeting from whoever opened the door. Seven out of ten times, that's how the episode will open. Ring, pan, slam, beat, beat, greet. You will be flabbergasted at how accurate this is.
You will also encounter feelings you have for some of the characters slowly evolve and morph until they are unrecognizable. The Dwight you meet in episode one is a very different Dwight in your heart after 128 episodes. Yes. It's exactly 128. When I post this, it will be 129. Here's a list of the most prominent feelings you will have once you have completed your Office training:
1. You Will fall in Love with Pam (Men)
I'm sorry but it's inevitable. When you've heard "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam" as many times as I have, it becomes something more than an arbitrary greeting.

Pink cardigans have never been sexier.

2. You will fall in love with Jim (women)
Part of the reason that Jim is so likable is his utter devotion to Pam. I'm pretty sure that's partially the reason he's so appealing to women. That, and his undeniable charm, good looks and uncanny ability to make Dwight furious. Plus, he's tall. Like, 6' 2".

For the record, that's the first time Jim ever looked directly into the camera. Heart melt, am I right?
...That was weird of me.

3. You will fall in love with Jim and Pam (Fucking everybody)
Examples-
PAM: "When you're a kid, you just sort of assume you're parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that."
or
JIM: "Yeah, this was plan C. Plan B was to be married in a church. Plan A was to marry her the day I met her."
If that doesn't make you smile, then you're a communist.

It sort of makes you want to jump off a bridge they're so fucking cute.

4. You will gain an odd respect for Dwight
If you met Dwight in real life, he'd be the kind of person you might be worried is going to kill you one day. But, on TV, he seems like a harmless nerd/farmer/trekkie/fanboy/loyalist/history-buff/desensitized/hard-working lovable little lump of weird. In reality, he would not survive in actual society. But on "The Office," you start to find his work ethic admirable and his loyalty to his company impressive. Plus, you soon discover he knows a lot of stuff. He know A LOT of stuff. Like, stuff people have no business knowing. Like the number of yeast infections in his county (There's a lot).

"It's probably because we live down river... of that old...bread factory."

5. You will discover the true awesomeness of Creed Bratton
By his own count, he's 30 years old. By another count, he's 82. By another count, he has no idea how old he is. He only has nine twos, has been the leader of several cults, lies compulsively, has been in trouble with the law for stealing, arson, murder and myriad other things, sometimes forgets what his job is, has faked his own death, often forgets his co-workers names or where he works, is a kleptomaniac, once dyed his hair with printer ink, has an alter ego he shifts his debt to named William Charles Schneider, was adopted by a chinese family, was in an iron lung for most of his childhood and lives by a quarry.

He reminds me of Robin Williams, but more dangerous.

6. You start to hate Michael Scott
Michael Scott is truly a menace. He's like a raccoon with a bomb attached to him: he is a huge risk and excessively dangerous, but has no idea. He also has a knack for getting the company into a lot of trouble. For example, he once accidentally gave their biggest supplier 50% off causing huge deficit problems. That in and of itself is forgivable. But the fact that he tried to make Dwight take the fall makes it ten times worse. What makes even WORSE and completely indicative of the character is when it turns out that it actually helped the company, he tried to reclaim responsibility with "all of the praise, but none of the punishment." He once also promised 15 kids college tuition. Which would have been fine if he could have actually paid for even one of them. So yes, prolonged exposure to Michael Scott will eventually result in a total lack of respect for him. And then annoyance. Then Hatred. But, he cleans up pretty good.

Year One.

Year Six.
Hair gel: the Bane of ManKind.

PART 2: THE TRANSFORMATION OF RYAN HOWARD
Ah, Ryan Howard. Inexplicably featured in the opening title sequence, yet only holds a periphery position on the show. From temp, to boss, to douche, to slacker, this guy goes through by far the biggest character transformation of any show I've ever seen. Let's take a look, shall we?

Seasons 1-3

Oh, the formative years. The sexual drama with Kelly, Michael's uncomfortably mildly sexual obsession, his complete lack of interest. A young man full of promise, but not really. Kind of timid, quiet, submissive, an all around pushover. Not even a character, really.

Season 4

Douche much? He does.

Seasons 5-7

Amazingly, Ryan goes from bowling alley employee, to Michael Scott Paper Company employee, to Dunder-Mifflin salesman, to hipster douche, to obnoxious. Well, he was always sort of obnoxious. He just got REALLY obnoxious. In a way that you really look forward to seeing him so you can be like, "Ha. What a douche bag."

PART 3: OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS

There are a ridiculous amount of them. At any given moment, it might be difficult to figure out who is with whom. Here's a (I think) complete list of office relationships:

1. Jim and Pam- Heart and soul of the series.

2. Dwight and Angela- Colon and left foot of the series.

3. Michael and Jan- The weird, on-again, off-again, one-sided sex fest. Also, marginally creepy.

4. Michael and Holly- Birds of a feather who share one and a half brain between them (All Holly's).

5. Andy and Angela- The excessively groan inducing, forced relationship that caused a very interesting story arc.

6. Andy and Erin- Despite the weird age difference, a cute flirtatious couple. Albeit bizarre.

7. Jim and Karen- Jim + More assertive and ethnic Pam clone= DRAMA!

8. Ryan and Kelly- It's like that high school romance. Vapidly passionate.

9. Bob Vance and Phyllis- Mostly an off-screen courting culminating in the most uncomfortable wedding ever. Also, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration is not afraid to kick your ass.

10. Pam and Roy- The most difficult relationship to watch. Poor Roy. Too bad he was a dick.

11. Darryl and Kelly- I'm not even sure when it started... I don't think Darryl did either.

12. Gabe and Erin- The weird rebound after Andy and Erin broke up. Makes you almost wish Erin didn't have that bizarre meltdown when she hid behind her hair. Almost.

13. Oscar and Matt- The token gay couple. Except they haven't dated. And talked only twice. It's gettin' there...it's gettin' there....

14. Creed and Meredith- Oh, it's there. Look for it.

And there you have it. A partial guide to watching "The Office." Yes, it is incomplete. But so's your face. Perhaps at some point another installment will be added. But this is a lot of work. Like, a HUGE amount of work. Do you have any idea how many episodes I searched through to amass this collection? Anyway, I'll probably be back to movies next time. I hope this was useful. And if not, here's a picture: