Let Your Imagination "Runaway" with You!

"Runaway" marks Kanye rising, after a year in exile, from the ashes to reclaim his position as the voice of a generation (his words, not mine). You may recall his little faux-pas at the VMA's last year when he unceremoniously stole the mike from Dakota Fanning and claimed Shakira was and always will be the best music video of all time. If you don't recall, you haven't been on the internet in about twelve months, and for that I salute you for not getting lol cat references (I can haz a bullet in the head if I see one more lol cat?) Yes, it was a sad time for Kanye. Jay Leno basically told him he was bad person (Jay Leno asshole joke), his mother had recently died, and he was the scourge of 12 year old internet bloglings (that's a term I coined meaning small bloggers. I've talked to Webster about putting it in their next edition...no I haven't). It seemed like he was doomed to become the Hip-Hop Pariah of the Facebook generation.
And then came 'Power.' A one-and-a-half minute music video tableau featuring Kanye basically depicting himself as a God. And now, there's a butt-load of hullabaloo over his new album "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy." Alright! (C'mon, Kanye, I'm plugging your album for free. All I want is a hug. Why won't you hug me?) Don't call it a comeback (mostly because I'm not sure it is. It may be a mid-life crisis).
In the past, Kanye's sense of self-worth has gotten in the way of his career. Now, some say Kanye West might have a bit of an inflated ego, (Annnnnd understatement of the year goes to…..! Oh. Uhm, apparently Darryl McAlister in New Fields, Oregon. For saying that Aaron Jones from down the block is pretty good at softball. According to Alex Hannon, he is “ More like the best EVER! Are you kidding dude? Understatement of the year goes to….” He then opened an envelope to reveal that it was actually, indeed, “Some” who claimed Kanye had a bit of an inflated ego.

Did I blow your mind? Cuz I definitely blew something in my head…) but I think it is actually a boon to the persona that he has created. 

I told Kanye that joke and this is the face he made.

"I'mma let you finish...?"

Anyway, Kanye's movie answers a question that has lingered for centuries. The age old question that has  troubled many minds and will trouble many more. And that question is: art? Yes, upon viewing the movie, I found myself asking the question, "Art?" And all I can say is that it is art in the same way that Twinkies is food or LoL Cats is literature (by the way, I was lying earlier. LOL Cats got me through my uncle's death). I'm not saying it wasn't good or well-intentioned or deep. I just wanted to compare Kanye to Twinkies. Yeah, this is art. It's the product of deliberately arranging symbolic elements in a way that influences and affects the senses, emotions and/or intellect (Wikify that, bitches). 

Wow. So that made about as much sense as a narwal. 

The unicorn of the sea.

The movie starts with a half woman/ half phoenix falling from the sky. Kanye falls in love with her and they begin a lovely relationship. His friends are disgusted by her though, and then she's horrified when they eat a turkey. She gives a pretty little metaphorical monologue about how afraid our culture is of change. She then explains how she has to burst into flames to be reborn. Hmmm... rebirth, eh? Phoenix from the ashes? A fresh start? Yes, the movie is supposed to parallel Kanye's music career ending with where he is now. Yes, it's symbolic portrayal of himself as a misunderstood artist. But it's also really pretty. With images like this:

Oorrrrr this:

And even this!

Is that a small child in a Klan outfit? No, it's a conehead child in a ghost costume.
How dare you.
The movie is 34 minutes long, the first ten minutes or so focusing on the plot of the two main characters falling in love and song singing. It was nice. It was a cohesive, albeit weird, narrative. Then, it was dinner time. Kanye's family gathered in a very white room (including white servants... little bit of social satire never hurt anyone) to meet his girlfriend, whom they find repulsive. Kanye had a delightful time talking with his friends about his girlfriend. They laughed jovially. They ate bread, drank wine. Then some jackass pulled out this beauty:

Rude dinner guest: “Your girlfriend is really beautiful.”

Kanye: “Thank you.”

Rude Dinner Guest: “Did you know she’s a bird?”

Kanye: “…No, I never noticed that.”

 How that fact escaped him is beyond me. It may be a veiled statement that we should just see people as who they are on the inside, but the way he delivered it made him seem more like he was just really fucking stupid...
That's it. I'm not going to mock Kanye's intelligence. Not for me to judge. I ain't Jesus or Judge Judy or Sarah Palin.
Eww, those were horrible choices. I apologize, that was a truly awful handling of that joke. But it's 12:30 am and I'm starting to see things that aren't there. Like Kanye's humility.
BAM GOTCHA!
Shit, that was a long one, but we finally got there.
This makes Kanye sad (The dinner guest, not my joke), so he goes to sing a song as he uses his awesome might to summon dancers.

Hold up! I'mma let you finish dinner, but I'm about to do the best pissed off song of all time!


So he begins his song (Runaway) which is basically an ode to assholes. Before he does that, he summons (using his MIND) a group of ballerinas in black leotards.
No man should have so much Power.... I mean dancers.
The dancing is nice, if a little out of place. But around the fifth minute I begin to get bewildered. I begin to feel lost, out of synch. Where am I? What's going on?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NARRATIVE?!
I blacked out, then regained consciousness for the last four minutes which featured the song "Lost in the World" featuring Bon Iver. On a serious note, I think this is probably going to be the best song on the album. It's haunting.
Speaking of haunting, there is not one but TWO Sleepy Hollow references in Kanye's lyrics.
Cracka, please. You had me at "I got so much head, I woke up to Sleepy Hollow."
Also, you will NEVER rock this hard at a drum machine.
I don't have a joke for this.


Also, I'm becoming concerned that there may be a veiled message promoting bestiality in this movie. I counted six different species of animals galavanting around a basically nude woman dressed up as a bird. I became mildly disturbed after this happened. A lot:





By the end, the distinction between "sexy" and "not okay to have sex with" was blurred... there are some things that's okay to blur the lines between. Lunch and dinner. Soup and broth. Literature and pulp. But this is NOT one of them.
But, what can you expect? It's Kanye. He's going to do things differently. He's going to show you things that you would never expect to see. Like this:



Here's something ELSE I bet you've never seen:

It's an annoyed rat dressed as Dracula!
It's Halloween, give me a break...
gimme a break....
break me off a piece of that...
....
.....




3.9/5.0


Our lives are inextricably linked:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jg5wkZ-dJXA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runaway_(Kanye_West_song)

Film Scurvy: TV Edition! "The Office" Viewer's Guide

When you've watched "The Office" for as long as I have, you begin to notice certain things that a person who doesn't devote fifteen hours a week to watching it might not. You may first notice that your ability to craft coherent sentences dwindles and wastes away. But that has less to do with watching "The Office" and more to do with the fact that your brain is slowly melting. However, that is beside that point. I have crafted for you, gentle readers, a coherent and useful guide to watching the consummately funny "The Office." No longer will you watch an episode and wonder "Is this part of a larger story arc? Am I missing valuable information?" or "At what point am I at in Jim and Pam's relationship?" or "Why isn't Jim in this episode?" Well, actually, you probably will because those are all really specific questions that I don't have the time or patience to answer so for God's sake FOCUS, gentle readers!
So without further adieu, I give you "The Office" Viewer's Guide!

PART 1: SIDE EFFECTS OF PROLONGED VIEWING

"The Office" seems to have a strange effect on people. The longer they watch it, the more little references will start to appear in their daily lexicon. For example, one may be having a conversation with somebody and they'll say something like "That's like that time on 'The Office'..." or "Dwight did the same thing!" or "I think I'm in love with you. Like, Jim and Pam in love." It's tolerable to an extent, but to anybody not watching "The Office", it's a perpetual whirlwind of inside jokes and references that you have been excluded from. It's like a lizard trying to hang out with a bunch of seagulls. All the gulls are talking about this really funny sea hawk they know and the lizard's just sitting there like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then he'll say something like, "I met this really awesome gecko the other day!" Then all the seagulls stare at him like he's talking about "Everybody Loves Raymond" while they're talking about "The Office."
One may also discover that they are acutely in tune with the shows beats and habits. For example, almost every episode opens like this: Telephone ring, pan to door, door slam, beat, beat, greeting from whoever opened the door. Seven out of ten times, that's how the episode will open. Ring, pan, slam, beat, beat, greet. You will be flabbergasted at how accurate this is.
You will also encounter feelings you have for some of the characters slowly evolve and morph until they are unrecognizable. The Dwight you meet in episode one is a very different Dwight in your heart after 128 episodes. Yes. It's exactly 128. When I post this, it will be 129. Here's a list of the most prominent feelings you will have once you have completed your Office training:
1. You Will fall in Love with Pam (Men)
I'm sorry but it's inevitable. When you've heard "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam" as many times as I have, it becomes something more than an arbitrary greeting.
Pink cardigans have never been sexier.


2. You will fall in love with Jim (women)
Part of the reason that Jim is so likable is his utter devotion to Pam. I'm pretty sure that's partially the reason he's so appealing to women. That, and his undeniable charm, good looks and uncanny ability to make Dwight furious. Plus, he's tall. Like, 6' 2".

For the record, that's the first time Jim ever looked directly into the camera. Heart melt, am I right?
...That was weird of me.

3. You will fall in love with Jim and Pam (Fucking everybody)
Examples-
PAM: "When you're a kid, you just sort of assume you're parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that."
or
JIM: "Yeah, this was plan C. Plan B was to be married in a church. Plan A was to marry her the day I met her."
If that doesn't make you smile, then you're a communist.
It sort of makes you want to jump off a bridge they're so fucking cute.

4. You will gain an odd respect for Dwight
If you met Dwight in real life, he'd be the kind of person you might be worried is going to kill you one day. But, on TV, he seems like a harmless nerd/farmer/trekkie/fanboy/loyalist/history-buff/desensitized/hard-working lovable little lump of weird. In reality, he would not survive in actual society. But on "The Office," you start to find his work ethic admirable and his loyalty to his company impressive. Plus, you soon discover he knows  a lot of stuff. He know A LOT of stuff. Like, stuff people have no business knowing. Like the number of yeast infections in his county (There's a lot).

"It's probably because we live down river... of that old...bread factory."

5. You will discover the true awesomeness of Creed Bratton
By his own count, he's 30 years old. By another count, he's 82. By another count, he has no idea how old he is. He only has nine twos, has been the leader of several cults, lies compulsively, has been in trouble with the law for stealing, arson, murder and myriad other things, sometimes forgets what his job is, has faked his own death, often forgets his co-workers names or where he works, is a kleptomaniac, once dyed his hair with printer ink, has an alter ego he shifts his debt to named William Charles Schneider, was adopted by a chinese family, was in an iron lung for most of his childhood and lives by a quarry. 

He reminds me of Robin Williams, but more dangerous.


6. You start to hate Michael Scott
Michael Scott is truly a menace. He's like a raccoon with a bomb attached to him: he is a huge risk and excessively dangerous, but has no idea. He also has a knack for getting the company into a lot of trouble. For example, he once accidentally gave their biggest supplier 50% off causing huge deficit problems. That in and of itself is forgivable. But the fact that he tried to make Dwight take the fall makes it ten times worse. What makes even WORSE and completely indicative of the character is when it turns out that it actually helped the company, he tried to reclaim responsibility with "all of the praise, but none of the punishment." He once also promised 15 kids college tuition. Which would have been fine if he could have actually paid for even one of them. So yes, prolonged exposure to Michael Scott will eventually result in a total lack of respect for him. And then annoyance. Then Hatred. But, he cleans up pretty good. 
Year One.


Year Six.
Hair gel: the Bane of ManKind.


PART 2: THE TRANSFORMATION OF RYAN HOWARD
Ah, Ryan Howard. Inexplicably featured in the opening title sequence, yet only holds a periphery position on the show. From temp, to boss, to douche, to slacker, this guy goes through by far the biggest character transformation of any show I've ever seen. Let's take a look, shall we?

Seasons 1-3

Oh, the formative years. The sexual drama with Kelly, Michael's uncomfortably mildly sexual obsession,  his complete lack of interest. A young man full of promise, but not really. Kind of timid, quiet, submissive, an all around pushover. Not even a character, really.

Season 4

Douche much? He does. 

Seasons 5-7

Amazingly, Ryan goes from bowling alley employee, to Michael Scott Paper Company employee, to Dunder-Mifflin salesman, to hipster douche, to obnoxious. Well, he was always sort of obnoxious. He just got REALLY obnoxious. In a way that you really look forward to seeing him so you can be like, "Ha. What a douche bag." 

PART 3: OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS

There are a ridiculous amount of them. At any given moment, it might be difficult to figure out who is with whom. Here's a (I think) complete list of office relationships:

1. Jim and Pam- Heart and soul of the series.

2. Dwight and Angela- Colon and left foot of the series. 

3. Michael and Jan- The weird, on-again, off-again, one-sided sex fest. Also, marginally creepy.

4. Michael and Holly- Birds of a feather who share one and a half brain between them (All Holly's). 

5. Andy and Angela- The excessively groan inducing, forced relationship that caused a very interesting story arc.

6. Andy and Erin- Despite the weird age difference, a cute flirtatious couple. Albeit bizarre.

7. Jim and Karen- Jim + More assertive and ethnic Pam clone= DRAMA!

8. Ryan and Kelly- It's like that high school romance. Vapidly passionate. 

9. Bob Vance and Phyllis- Mostly an off-screen courting culminating in the most uncomfortable wedding ever. Also, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration is not afraid to kick your ass. 

10. Pam and Roy- The most difficult relationship to watch. Poor Roy. Too bad he was a dick.

11. Darryl and Kelly- I'm not even sure when it started... I don't think Darryl did either. 

12. Gabe and Erin- The weird rebound after Andy and Erin broke up. Makes you almost wish Erin didn't have that bizarre meltdown when she hid behind her hair. Almost. 

13. Oscar and Matt- The token gay couple. Except they haven't dated. And talked only twice. It's gettin' there...it's gettin' there....

14. Creed and Meredith- Oh, it's there. Look for it.

And there you have it. A partial guide to watching "The Office." Yes, it is incomplete. But so's your face. Perhaps at some point another installment will be added. But this is a lot of work. Like, a HUGE amount of work. Do you have any idea how many episodes I searched through to amass this collection? Anyway, I'll probably be back to movies next time. I hope this was useful. And if not, here's a picture:

A beaver in running shoes and a top hat. I usually just think of an animal and a funny noun. 

5.0/5.0

It's the missing links!:

http://www.netflix.com/WiSearch?oq=&v1=the+office+season&search_submit=

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0386676/