"We're Back" to the Future!

“We’re Back: A Dinosaur’s Story” is bit of an understatement. The title hardly does this situation justice. What I mean is, that is a very cavalier thing to say when you have been transported millions year into the future and given the power of speech and critical thinking. But it’s a kids movie, I guess. Most of the people who have seen this movie couldn’t even spell “cavalier”... or “movie”.... or “solicitation.” I used to watch this movie when I still would forget what a bathroom was and would just piss myself playing with my gargoyles and power rangers, and it suited me just fine then. And yes, this movie, I’m sure, is an absolute thrill to anyone who still regularly fails to internalize the concept of a bathroom. For those of us who can use the porcelain pedestal, it is not going to titillate us the way it might our younger counterparts. 

All of this is a really roundabout way of saying that it is a kids movie and that classy toilet jokes are not only possible, but off the heezy.  

So I guess I should catch you guys up on what exactly is happening in this movie. Our story begins in a tree, as these things often do. A family of birds is trying to devour an anthropomorphized worm (which is kind of horrific if taken at face value. I mean, the thing is crawling away for it’s life, teeth chattering in terror. It’s pretty fucking macabre.) and the youngest is getting beat up by his siblings. So he runs away. Or tries to. But instead, he is almost killed by a golfball being hit by a dinosaur named Rex who precedes to give him a valuable life lesson.

“If you’re a dinosaur, why are playing golf?”

A moment of clarity in a fog of bewildering insanity.

Our story continues by going back to beginning. As in, I’m assuming, the late Jurassic era. I suppose it could have been early Cretaceous, because Pterodactyls and Tyrannosaurus Rex flourished during the late Jurassic, early Cretaceous eras. Stegosaurus was around for mostly the Jurassic era, but Parasaurolophus didn’t show up until the late cretaceous. So I’m gonna say mid-Cretaceous. It’s a bit of a stretch to think Parasuarolophus was around that early or Stegosaurus that late, but we’re dealing in fantasy here. I’ll let it pass...

Don’t you give me that look.

Anyway, in short, Walter Cronkite (seriously) goes back in time to pick up these dinosaurs and feeds them “brain gain” cereal, which makes them smart (cereal propaganda? You tell.... But no, it’s not.) Then, he show them this nifty little invention that shows everybody's wishes come out in bubble form! As in, they appear in bubbles and float around the room and recite their wishes. Never mind that everybody in the world apparently speaks fluent english and talks like a five-year-old new yorker, but a staggering amount of them wished they could see dinosaurs. Seems like a waste of a wish to me, but it gives us a plot, so who’s complaining?

Me. I am complaining.  

Don’t you give me that look. 

ANYWAY, they go to New York circa 1992 and live it up. They even meet a little street rat bitch named Louie who wants to join the circus. Long story short, they all become friends and Rex learns golf. I guess. I don’t know, they dance during the Macy’s Day Parade and some girl wants a thanksgiving hat and that little red haired girl drops it from her roof and it lands on her head.  

I don’t even know what a thanksgiving hat is. That, apparently.

I live in New York City and have been to many of the places specified in the film. I am familiar with the New York mentality and when Walter Cronkite says “New York isn’t ready for you guys” I have to agree. It was hard enough building a mosque, I don’t think bringing prehistoric talking lizards into midtown would go over very well. They’d probably say something like “Of course, you know, they have the right to be here. But being so close to The Museum of Natural History is really insensitive” or “What about the families whose loved ones got eaten by gila monsters? Don’t their voices count?” or “Obama is a fascist!” Then they’d hold a rally and somehow end up chanting “No new taxes! No new taxes!” 

Ultimately though, they probably wouldn’t notice. I once saw a guy get hit by a car and a woman walking past me said to a friend “I wish we always had this kind of weatha” (that’s New York for weather). I bet that woman has a witnessed a murder and doesn’t even know it. The point being, New Yorkers are remarkably unobservant. It took them a good ten minutes to realize that the “floats” in the parade were actually dinosaurs. Watching their dawning realization was fun though. Kinda like when you’ve been humming “Killer Queen” really loudly in the bathroom stall and suddenly realize there’s a guy sitting in the next stall over and you walk out of the stall at the same time and he gives you a look like “Dude, I love that song, please don’t hum it while I’m shitting” and you have to avoid eye contact and continue humming because if you stop he’s going to think you didn’t know he was there, which you obviously didn’t, but like hell you’re going to admit it and then leave the bathroom at the same time and walk two steps ahead of him until you both go back to class and he sits right behind you and you have to spend the rest of the class thinking “he’s probably thinking how he’s going to word his story when he inevitably tells all his friends about the ginger who was humming Queen while he was trying to shit.” It’s kind of like that. 

DON’T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK.

While this movie does have it’s drawbacks (bizarre breaking of the fourth wall, an unsettling music number, unexplained supernaturalism, subliminal drug references) I have to admit, they really pulled out the stops as far as casting went. They got John Goodman, Jay Leno, Julia Child, Martin Short, Walter Cronkite and Larry King to be in a movie about talking dinosaurs. Not since Christopher Walken in “Balls of Fury” have we seen that. 

“But, wait! Who wrote this marvelous movie!?” If you ask, dear readers, I must divulge. You might be familiar with his work. He wrote another screenplay which was also about the dichotomy of conviction and uncertainty and the sexual mores and limitations placed upon religious leaders as well as a meditation on the then-topical issues of sexual abuse surrounding the Catholic church. His name is John Patrick Shanley. He wrote this:

Did I say that this movie was about the dichotomy of conviction and uncertainty and the sexual mores and limitations placed upon religious leaders as well as a meditation on the then-topical issues of sexual abuse surrounding the Catholic church? I meant talking dinosaurs.
In Mr. Shanley’s impeccably written script, the two children, Cecelia and Louie end up signing a contract in blood by Walter Cronkite’s evil brother, Professor Screweye (which is exactly what it sounds like. No, not oracular penetration. He has a screw for an eye. Jeez...). However, this was lost on me for a good part of the movie, as I was certain that Professor Screweye was insisting the children sign his cunt rack.

“SIGN MY CUNT RACK!! SIGN IT!!”

And they did, eventually. Somehow, it made them turn into monkeys. Granted, that’s not too far flung from what Louie actually is. His speech pattern is such that by the end of the movie, I gave up trying to understand what he was saying. He also had innumerable moments when a little beauty passes through his lips that would have been caught in the flimsiest of internal filters like “What about your parents? Did they beat you?” I had to pause and rewind after I heard that, just to make sure that a young boy was, indeed, cavalierly asking a ten-year-old girl he had met several seconds earlier if she was being abused by her parents. Or “What are you...sappy?” Good one, tiger.  

While this was amusing, what was even more amusing was seeing Julia Child putter around Manhattan on a scooter.

“I heard a rumor that I’m still relevant! Do you think it’s true?!”

But what topped the cake was seeing Jay Leno play his ultimate typecast: an annoying bug of ambiguous importance.

Shit, I’m with CoCo. 

Fair warning, the last fifteen minutes of this movie is basically Dumbo on meth. Which has something to do with the dinosaurs taking green glowing pills.

Irradiated baby aspirin? (Nods wisely)

Ultimately, this movie is nothing if not eclectic. We got a lil’ bit of science fiction, a lil’ fantasy, a lil’ romance, a lil’ bit of musical, a lil’ wayne, a lil’ horror, a lil’ comedy. It’s got everything. But I have a beef with this movie. Specifically, the horror aspect. Nine-year-old me has a score to settle. Because nine-year-old me is horribly confused and terrified of crows. Crows, as is the case with many stories, are harbingers of doom and despair. They appear right before bad shit happens and ultimately bring about what I can only assume is the demise of Professor Screweye. In the final scene, he cries desperately to his winged comrades as they engulf his body and fly away, literally leaving nothing but his screwy eye behind.

WHAT THE FUCK, JOHN PATRICK SHANLEY.

This is NOT okay with me. This has been purely based in science fiction until this moment. Every bizarre and impossible thing that happens is attempted to be explained by science. Now, you got this googly-moogly bullshit and people are disappearing by way of crows! Nine-year-old me is NOT amused. Nine-year-old me is TERRIFIED. Also, I realize that I mentioned early that I watched this movie before I was potty trained. I am now also claiming to have watched it when I was nine... 

Judge all you want, haters. I weren’t no slave of the porcelain pedestal....

...

Don’t you give me that look....

2.4/5

You are the weakest link joke:

http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/We-re-Back-A-Dinosaur-s-Story/70115605?strackid=7f5523f79f10dc7_0_srl&strkid=344528009_0_0&trkid=438381#height1160

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/were_back_a_dinosaurs_story/

Special Guest Reviewer Edition!: Shannon Ward reviews "Legend of the Guardians"

Greetings, Film Scurvy fans! I have a special present for you this week. Something that, as I am told, solidifies my blog as "legit." This edition of Film Scurvy has been written by my dear friend, Shannon Ward. I have granted her level 6 clearance (there are 39) so that she may enter and contribute to the awesomictybombasticism. Shannon Ward has written a funny and insightful piece on a... remarkable movie. As a blogger, I am threatened. As a friend, I am delighted. As a liquid, I am potable. Prepare, gentle readers, for a dick slap in the face of awesome. I present to you: Shannon Delaney Ward.

Enjoy.

As a college student, I don’t buy a lot of things. With so much money going towards tuition and room and board and those ever rising damage costs that I can hear getting higher even as I write this (the hall carpet was not made to withstand the college lifestyle), I find it responsible to cut back on other costs. That, and I’m too lazy to leave campus to buy anything. That’s why, whenever my family comes to visit, I stand up from my stained, found-for-free-on-the-side-of-the-road-and-is-probably-carrying-some-serious-diseases desk, put on my had-since-fourth-grade-but-let’s-pretend-it-still-fits jacket, and I experience the town on my parents’ dime.

            No, this does not mean expensive cruises or full-body massages. It usually means that we make a trip to the nearest movie theatre. Ok, I was lying there. This isn’t the nearest movie theatre. But it is the most awesome. It has escalators. ‘Nough said.

            The problem with going to the movies with my family is that I have an eight-year-old sister, which narrows our viewing options by an unfair amount. On this particular evening there were ten movies playing. Ten blockbuster, emotionally charged, starring-my-favorite-actor-in-the-whole-wide-world movies that I would probably never get the chance to see in theatres without my family treating me. I mean, it would take weeks to scrounge up $7.50. That’s the equivalent of like 30 cases of ramen.

            I was positively drooling at the movies that we could have potentially seen if my sweet, loving, innocent sister hadn’t skipped her beloved gymnastics class to come visit her favorite big sister in college. Little brat. The only two movies that were appropriate for her little eyes were “Alpha and Omega” and “Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole”. Knowing nothing about either of these, I chose to see the one that was in 3-D.

            The movie begins a la Forrest Gump, with a feather floating through the air. It was amazing to see in 3-D. The audience was oohing and aahing. I found myself marveling at the beauty of technology, and how far the art of filmmaking has come. This feeling quickly passed, as the atrocity that was this movie came to full force.

            The story is simple enough: a young owl named Soren (voiced by Jim Sturgess) has been told bedtime stories of the “Guardians” by his father. The Guardians are owls who fight against evil though it is never really explained how they were formed and what exactly they were fighting in the first place. After a flying practice mishap, Soren and his skeptical brother are kidnapped by a group of owls looking for young servants to brainwash, and new soldiers to train. Soren’s brother, who always felt unappreciated at home, finds that he enjoys the praise he receives from being a soldier. Soren, on the other hand, sees their dastardly ways, and, with a love interest a quarter of his size (how is that supposed to work?) escapes to find the guardians.

            Confused yet? I sure as fuck was.

            With the help of some friends along the way, Soren and his diminutive gal pal find the Guardians, who decide to train them. Thus follows awesome montage. And by awesome I mean sappiest-thing-I-have-ever-seen. As the Guardians prepare for battle against the evil owls, the evil owls further their dastardly plan (which is never fully explained, but it is understood that the evil owls are metaphorically destroying the spirit and morale of Soren and the Guardians). Soren must muster the courage to fight the owls that kidnapped him and his siblings, and must face the possibility that he may encounter his brother, who has gone over to the dark side.

            I don’t want to give anything away, so I’ll stop my summary here, but doesn’t it sound like a combination of all of the most epic movies you’ve ever seen? Now remember that they’re owls. And it’s in 3-D.

            Epic overload.

            This film was just too much. That’s really the only way I can describe it. I would testify in court that over half of the movie was in slow motion. Everything that Soren said was so packed with emotion that he always sounded ready to burst with tears of joy, tears of sorrow, or tears of just overwhelming epicness that don’t really have an emotion that can describe them. The story was shoddy, the acting subpar, and the characters stereotypical.

            One scene in particular comes to mind. Soren is being taught by his mentor how to fly in a monsoon. It is very difficult for him at first but his teacher tells him to let himself relax and let his instincts take over. Soren does this. His eyes roll back in his head, the music swells, the rain is falling a spirals around Soren who is soaring in slow motion, huge beads of water splashing off his upturned face, the moon is full, and I am laughing. I’m sorry but there is only so much I can take. There is a fine line between chill-inducing and ridiculous. This scene had crossed that line before it started. It had crossed that line in utero. The person who thought of this scene, not only thought of it but actually suggested that it be in the movie, must not have the internal awareness of that line that all humans should have. Or did he?

            Therein lies the problem. And therein lies the point that I know I have taken a long time to reach. My point is thus: having movies be in 3-D means that moviemakers can make crappier movies and still bring in a big audience. Hollywood is not putting in the effort, and audiences are becoming more and more willing to sit through pure garbage for the simple thrill of seeing a feather float in your face.

            I would like to say I am immune to this, but I am not. I was able to sit through Legend of the Guardians happily, because the animation was beautiful and the battle sequences quite thrilling in those three dimensions. Seeing the same movie whilst not equipped with the increasingly stylish 3-D glasses though, and you have a problem.

            An owl hurls a rock at another owl during a battle. That rock flies through the air in slow motion. What had once been an exciting three-dimensional battle move, in 2-D becomes a rock taking three minutes to move across the screen. What had once been a feeling that you were actually in a rainstorm becomes just a computer generated image of some rain. The movie’s true colors are clear when they are not masked by the excitement of 3-D.

            And so I ask of you, move-goers of the world, to rebel against this new phenomenon. Repeat after me: I refuse to pay $11.50 for a movie I wouldn’t see when it costs $7.50. I refuse to sit through the brainchild of some Hollywooders trying to make a quick buck. Movies cost enough anyway.

            But above all, I refuse to allow a movie like Avatar to ever be nominated for Best Picture again. Ever, ever again. 

Let Your Imagination "Runaway" with You!

"Runaway" marks Kanye rising, after a year in exile, from the ashes to reclaim his position as the voice of a generation (his words, not mine). You may recall his little faux-pas at the VMA's last year when he unceremoniously stole the mike from Dakota Fanning and claimed Shakira was and always will be the best music video of all time. If you don't recall, you haven't been on the internet in about twelve months, and for that I salute you for not getting lol cat references (I can haz a bullet in the head if I see one more lol cat?) Yes, it was a sad time for Kanye. Jay Leno basically told him he was bad person (Jay Leno asshole joke), his mother had recently died, and he was the scourge of 12 year old internet bloglings (that's a term I coined meaning small bloggers. I've talked to Webster about putting it in their next edition...no I haven't). It seemed like he was doomed to become the Hip-Hop Pariah of the Facebook generation.
And then came 'Power.' A one-and-a-half minute music video tableau featuring Kanye basically depicting himself as a God. And now, there's a butt-load of hullabaloo over his new album "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy." Alright! (C'mon, Kanye, I'm plugging your album for free. All I want is a hug. Why won't you hug me?) Don't call it a comeback (mostly because I'm not sure it is. It may be a mid-life crisis).
In the past, Kanye's sense of self-worth has gotten in the way of his career. Now, some say Kanye West might have a bit of an inflated ego, (Annnnnd understatement of the year goes to…..! Oh. Uhm, apparently Darryl McAlister in New Fields, Oregon. For saying that Aaron Jones from down the block is pretty good at softball. According to Alex Hannon, he is “ More like the best EVER! Are you kidding dude? Understatement of the year goes to….” He then opened an envelope to reveal that it was actually, indeed, “Some” who claimed Kanye had a bit of an inflated ego.

Did I blow your mind? Cuz I definitely blew something in my head…) but I think it is actually a boon to the persona that he has created. 

I told Kanye that joke and this is the face he made.

"I'mma let you finish...?"

Anyway, Kanye's movie answers a question that has lingered for centuries. The age old question that has  troubled many minds and will trouble many more. And that question is: art? Yes, upon viewing the movie, I found myself asking the question, "Art?" And all I can say is that it is art in the same way that Twinkies is food or LoL Cats is literature (by the way, I was lying earlier. LOL Cats got me through my uncle's death). I'm not saying it wasn't good or well-intentioned or deep. I just wanted to compare Kanye to Twinkies. Yeah, this is art. It's the product of deliberately arranging symbolic elements in a way that influences and affects the senses, emotions and/or intellect (Wikify that, bitches). 

Wow. So that made about as much sense as a narwal. 

The unicorn of the sea.

The movie starts with a half woman/ half phoenix falling from the sky. Kanye falls in love with her and they begin a lovely relationship. His friends are disgusted by her though, and then she's horrified when they eat a turkey. She gives a pretty little metaphorical monologue about how afraid our culture is of change. She then explains how she has to burst into flames to be reborn. Hmmm... rebirth, eh? Phoenix from the ashes? A fresh start? Yes, the movie is supposed to parallel Kanye's music career ending with where he is now. Yes, it's symbolic portrayal of himself as a misunderstood artist. But it's also really pretty. With images like this:

Oorrrrr this:

And even this!

Is that a small child in a Klan outfit? No, it's a conehead child in a ghost costume.
How dare you.
The movie is 34 minutes long, the first ten minutes or so focusing on the plot of the two main characters falling in love and song singing. It was nice. It was a cohesive, albeit weird, narrative. Then, it was dinner time. Kanye's family gathered in a very white room (including white servants... little bit of social satire never hurt anyone) to meet his girlfriend, whom they find repulsive. Kanye had a delightful time talking with his friends about his girlfriend. They laughed jovially. They ate bread, drank wine. Then some jackass pulled out this beauty:

Rude dinner guest: “Your girlfriend is really beautiful.”

Kanye: “Thank you.”

Rude Dinner Guest: “Did you know she’s a bird?”

Kanye: “…No, I never noticed that.”

 How that fact escaped him is beyond me. It may be a veiled statement that we should just see people as who they are on the inside, but the way he delivered it made him seem more like he was just really fucking stupid...
That's it. I'm not going to mock Kanye's intelligence. Not for me to judge. I ain't Jesus or Judge Judy or Sarah Palin.
Eww, those were horrible choices. I apologize, that was a truly awful handling of that joke. But it's 12:30 am and I'm starting to see things that aren't there. Like Kanye's humility.
BAM GOTCHA!
Shit, that was a long one, but we finally got there.
This makes Kanye sad (The dinner guest, not my joke), so he goes to sing a song as he uses his awesome might to summon dancers.

Hold up! I'mma let you finish dinner, but I'm about to do the best pissed off song of all time!


So he begins his song (Runaway) which is basically an ode to assholes. Before he does that, he summons (using his MIND) a group of ballerinas in black leotards.
No man should have so much Power.... I mean dancers.
The dancing is nice, if a little out of place. But around the fifth minute I begin to get bewildered. I begin to feel lost, out of synch. Where am I? What's going on?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NARRATIVE?!
I blacked out, then regained consciousness for the last four minutes which featured the song "Lost in the World" featuring Bon Iver. On a serious note, I think this is probably going to be the best song on the album. It's haunting.
Speaking of haunting, there is not one but TWO Sleepy Hollow references in Kanye's lyrics.
Cracka, please. You had me at "I got so much head, I woke up to Sleepy Hollow."
Also, you will NEVER rock this hard at a drum machine.
I don't have a joke for this.


Also, I'm becoming concerned that there may be a veiled message promoting bestiality in this movie. I counted six different species of animals galavanting around a basically nude woman dressed up as a bird. I became mildly disturbed after this happened. A lot:





By the end, the distinction between "sexy" and "not okay to have sex with" was blurred... there are some things that's okay to blur the lines between. Lunch and dinner. Soup and broth. Literature and pulp. But this is NOT one of them.
But, what can you expect? It's Kanye. He's going to do things differently. He's going to show you things that you would never expect to see. Like this:



Here's something ELSE I bet you've never seen:

It's an annoyed rat dressed as Dracula!
It's Halloween, give me a break...
gimme a break....
break me off a piece of that...
....
.....




3.9/5.0


Our lives are inextricably linked:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jg5wkZ-dJXA
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runaway_(Kanye_West_song)

Film Scurvy: TV Edition! "The Office" Viewer's Guide

When you've watched "The Office" for as long as I have, you begin to notice certain things that a person who doesn't devote fifteen hours a week to watching it might not. You may first notice that your ability to craft coherent sentences dwindles and wastes away. But that has less to do with watching "The Office" and more to do with the fact that your brain is slowly melting. However, that is beside that point. I have crafted for you, gentle readers, a coherent and useful guide to watching the consummately funny "The Office." No longer will you watch an episode and wonder "Is this part of a larger story arc? Am I missing valuable information?" or "At what point am I at in Jim and Pam's relationship?" or "Why isn't Jim in this episode?" Well, actually, you probably will because those are all really specific questions that I don't have the time or patience to answer so for God's sake FOCUS, gentle readers!
So without further adieu, I give you "The Office" Viewer's Guide!

PART 1: SIDE EFFECTS OF PROLONGED VIEWING

"The Office" seems to have a strange effect on people. The longer they watch it, the more little references will start to appear in their daily lexicon. For example, one may be having a conversation with somebody and they'll say something like "That's like that time on 'The Office'..." or "Dwight did the same thing!" or "I think I'm in love with you. Like, Jim and Pam in love." It's tolerable to an extent, but to anybody not watching "The Office", it's a perpetual whirlwind of inside jokes and references that you have been excluded from. It's like a lizard trying to hang out with a bunch of seagulls. All the gulls are talking about this really funny sea hawk they know and the lizard's just sitting there like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then he'll say something like, "I met this really awesome gecko the other day!" Then all the seagulls stare at him like he's talking about "Everybody Loves Raymond" while they're talking about "The Office."
One may also discover that they are acutely in tune with the shows beats and habits. For example, almost every episode opens like this: Telephone ring, pan to door, door slam, beat, beat, greeting from whoever opened the door. Seven out of ten times, that's how the episode will open. Ring, pan, slam, beat, beat, greet. You will be flabbergasted at how accurate this is.
You will also encounter feelings you have for some of the characters slowly evolve and morph until they are unrecognizable. The Dwight you meet in episode one is a very different Dwight in your heart after 128 episodes. Yes. It's exactly 128. When I post this, it will be 129. Here's a list of the most prominent feelings you will have once you have completed your Office training:
1. You Will fall in Love with Pam (Men)
I'm sorry but it's inevitable. When you've heard "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam" as many times as I have, it becomes something more than an arbitrary greeting.
Pink cardigans have never been sexier.


2. You will fall in love with Jim (women)
Part of the reason that Jim is so likable is his utter devotion to Pam. I'm pretty sure that's partially the reason he's so appealing to women. That, and his undeniable charm, good looks and uncanny ability to make Dwight furious. Plus, he's tall. Like, 6' 2".

For the record, that's the first time Jim ever looked directly into the camera. Heart melt, am I right?
...That was weird of me.

3. You will fall in love with Jim and Pam (Fucking everybody)
Examples-
PAM: "When you're a kid, you just sort of assume you're parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that."
or
JIM: "Yeah, this was plan C. Plan B was to be married in a church. Plan A was to marry her the day I met her."
If that doesn't make you smile, then you're a communist.
It sort of makes you want to jump off a bridge they're so fucking cute.

4. You will gain an odd respect for Dwight
If you met Dwight in real life, he'd be the kind of person you might be worried is going to kill you one day. But, on TV, he seems like a harmless nerd/farmer/trekkie/fanboy/loyalist/history-buff/desensitized/hard-working lovable little lump of weird. In reality, he would not survive in actual society. But on "The Office," you start to find his work ethic admirable and his loyalty to his company impressive. Plus, you soon discover he knows  a lot of stuff. He know A LOT of stuff. Like, stuff people have no business knowing. Like the number of yeast infections in his county (There's a lot).

"It's probably because we live down river... of that old...bread factory."

5. You will discover the true awesomeness of Creed Bratton
By his own count, he's 30 years old. By another count, he's 82. By another count, he has no idea how old he is. He only has nine twos, has been the leader of several cults, lies compulsively, has been in trouble with the law for stealing, arson, murder and myriad other things, sometimes forgets what his job is, has faked his own death, often forgets his co-workers names or where he works, is a kleptomaniac, once dyed his hair with printer ink, has an alter ego he shifts his debt to named William Charles Schneider, was adopted by a chinese family, was in an iron lung for most of his childhood and lives by a quarry. 

He reminds me of Robin Williams, but more dangerous.


6. You start to hate Michael Scott
Michael Scott is truly a menace. He's like a raccoon with a bomb attached to him: he is a huge risk and excessively dangerous, but has no idea. He also has a knack for getting the company into a lot of trouble. For example, he once accidentally gave their biggest supplier 50% off causing huge deficit problems. That in and of itself is forgivable. But the fact that he tried to make Dwight take the fall makes it ten times worse. What makes even WORSE and completely indicative of the character is when it turns out that it actually helped the company, he tried to reclaim responsibility with "all of the praise, but none of the punishment." He once also promised 15 kids college tuition. Which would have been fine if he could have actually paid for even one of them. So yes, prolonged exposure to Michael Scott will eventually result in a total lack of respect for him. And then annoyance. Then Hatred. But, he cleans up pretty good. 
Year One.


Year Six.
Hair gel: the Bane of ManKind.


PART 2: THE TRANSFORMATION OF RYAN HOWARD
Ah, Ryan Howard. Inexplicably featured in the opening title sequence, yet only holds a periphery position on the show. From temp, to boss, to douche, to slacker, this guy goes through by far the biggest character transformation of any show I've ever seen. Let's take a look, shall we?

Seasons 1-3

Oh, the formative years. The sexual drama with Kelly, Michael's uncomfortably mildly sexual obsession,  his complete lack of interest. A young man full of promise, but not really. Kind of timid, quiet, submissive, an all around pushover. Not even a character, really.

Season 4

Douche much? He does. 

Seasons 5-7

Amazingly, Ryan goes from bowling alley employee, to Michael Scott Paper Company employee, to Dunder-Mifflin salesman, to hipster douche, to obnoxious. Well, he was always sort of obnoxious. He just got REALLY obnoxious. In a way that you really look forward to seeing him so you can be like, "Ha. What a douche bag." 

PART 3: OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS

There are a ridiculous amount of them. At any given moment, it might be difficult to figure out who is with whom. Here's a (I think) complete list of office relationships:

1. Jim and Pam- Heart and soul of the series.

2. Dwight and Angela- Colon and left foot of the series. 

3. Michael and Jan- The weird, on-again, off-again, one-sided sex fest. Also, marginally creepy.

4. Michael and Holly- Birds of a feather who share one and a half brain between them (All Holly's). 

5. Andy and Angela- The excessively groan inducing, forced relationship that caused a very interesting story arc.

6. Andy and Erin- Despite the weird age difference, a cute flirtatious couple. Albeit bizarre.

7. Jim and Karen- Jim + More assertive and ethnic Pam clone= DRAMA!

8. Ryan and Kelly- It's like that high school romance. Vapidly passionate. 

9. Bob Vance and Phyllis- Mostly an off-screen courting culminating in the most uncomfortable wedding ever. Also, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration is not afraid to kick your ass. 

10. Pam and Roy- The most difficult relationship to watch. Poor Roy. Too bad he was a dick.

11. Darryl and Kelly- I'm not even sure when it started... I don't think Darryl did either. 

12. Gabe and Erin- The weird rebound after Andy and Erin broke up. Makes you almost wish Erin didn't have that bizarre meltdown when she hid behind her hair. Almost. 

13. Oscar and Matt- The token gay couple. Except they haven't dated. And talked only twice. It's gettin' there...it's gettin' there....

14. Creed and Meredith- Oh, it's there. Look for it.

And there you have it. A partial guide to watching "The Office." Yes, it is incomplete. But so's your face. Perhaps at some point another installment will be added. But this is a lot of work. Like, a HUGE amount of work. Do you have any idea how many episodes I searched through to amass this collection? Anyway, I'll probably be back to movies next time. I hope this was useful. And if not, here's a picture:

A beaver in running shoes and a top hat. I usually just think of an animal and a funny noun. 

5.0/5.0

It's the missing links!:

http://www.netflix.com/WiSearch?oq=&v1=the+office+season&search_submit=

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0386676/