Greetings, Film Scurvy fans! I have a special present for you this week. Something that, as I am told, solidifies my blog as "legit." This edition of Film Scurvy has been written by my dear friend, Shannon Ward. I have granted her level 6 clearance (there are 39) so that she may enter and contribute to the awesomictybombasticism. Shannon Ward has written a funny and insightful piece on a... remarkable movie. As a blogger, I am threatened. As a friend, I am delighted. As a liquid, I am potable. Prepare, gentle readers, for a dick slap in the face of awesome. I present to you: Shannon Delaney Ward.
Enjoy.
As a college student, I don’t buy a lot of things. With so much money going towards tuition and room and board and those ever rising damage costs that I can hear getting higher even as I write this (the hall carpet was not made to withstand the college lifestyle), I find it responsible to cut back on other costs. That, and I’m too lazy to leave campus to buy anything. That’s why, whenever my family comes to visit, I stand up from my stained, found-for-free-on-the-side-of-the-road-and-is-probably-carrying-some-serious-diseases desk, put on my had-since-fourth-grade-but-let’s-pretend-it-still-fits jacket, and I experience the town on my parents’ dime.
No, this does not mean expensive cruises or full-body massages. It usually means that we make a trip to the nearest movie theatre. Ok, I was lying there. This isn’t the nearest movie theatre. But it is the most awesome. It has escalators. ‘Nough said.
The problem with going to the movies with my family is that I have an eight-year-old sister, which narrows our viewing options by an unfair amount. On this particular evening there were ten movies playing. Ten blockbuster, emotionally charged, starring-my-favorite-actor-in-the-whole-wide-world movies that I would probably never get the chance to see in theatres without my family treating me. I mean, it would take weeks to scrounge up $7.50. That’s the equivalent of like 30 cases of ramen.
I was positively drooling at the movies that we could have potentially seen if my sweet, loving, innocent sister hadn’t skipped her beloved gymnastics class to come visit her favorite big sister in college. Little brat. The only two movies that were appropriate for her little eyes were “Alpha and Omega” and “Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole”. Knowing nothing about either of these, I chose to see the one that was in 3-D.
The movie begins a la Forrest Gump, with a feather floating through the air. It was amazing to see in 3-D. The audience was oohing and aahing. I found myself marveling at the beauty of technology, and how far the art of filmmaking has come. This feeling quickly passed, as the atrocity that was this movie came to full force.
The story is simple enough: a young owl named Soren (voiced by Jim Sturgess) has been told bedtime stories of the “Guardians” by his father. The Guardians are owls who fight against evil though it is never really explained how they were formed and what exactly they were fighting in the first place. After a flying practice mishap, Soren and his skeptical brother are kidnapped by a group of owls looking for young servants to brainwash, and new soldiers to train. Soren’s brother, who always felt unappreciated at home, finds that he enjoys the praise he receives from being a soldier. Soren, on the other hand, sees their dastardly ways, and, with a love interest a quarter of his size (how is that supposed to work?) escapes to find the guardians.
Confused yet? I sure as fuck was.
With the help of some friends along the way, Soren and his diminutive gal pal find the Guardians, who decide to train them. Thus follows awesome montage. And by awesome I mean sappiest-thing-I-have-ever-seen. As the Guardians prepare for battle against the evil owls, the evil owls further their dastardly plan (which is never fully explained, but it is understood that the evil owls are metaphorically destroying the spirit and morale of Soren and the Guardians). Soren must muster the courage to fight the owls that kidnapped him and his siblings, and must face the possibility that he may encounter his brother, who has gone over to the dark side.
I don’t want to give anything away, so I’ll stop my summary here, but doesn’t it sound like a combination of all of the most epic movies you’ve ever seen? Now remember that they’re owls. And it’s in 3-D.
Epic overload.
This film was just too much. That’s really the only way I can describe it. I would testify in court that over half of the movie was in slow motion. Everything that Soren said was so packed with emotion that he always sounded ready to burst with tears of joy, tears of sorrow, or tears of just overwhelming epicness that don’t really have an emotion that can describe them. The story was shoddy, the acting subpar, and the characters stereotypical.
One scene in particular comes to mind. Soren is being taught by his mentor how to fly in a monsoon. It is very difficult for him at first but his teacher tells him to let himself relax and let his instincts take over. Soren does this. His eyes roll back in his head, the music swells, the rain is falling a spirals around Soren who is soaring in slow motion, huge beads of water splashing off his upturned face, the moon is full, and I am laughing. I’m sorry but there is only so much I can take. There is a fine line between chill-inducing and ridiculous. This scene had crossed that line before it started. It had crossed that line in utero. The person who thought of this scene, not only thought of it but actually suggested that it be in the movie, must not have the internal awareness of that line that all humans should have. Or did he?
Therein lies the problem. And therein lies the point that I know I have taken a long time to reach. My point is thus: having movies be in 3-D means that moviemakers can make crappier movies and still bring in a big audience. Hollywood is not putting in the effort, and audiences are becoming more and more willing to sit through pure garbage for the simple thrill of seeing a feather float in your face.
I would like to say I am immune to this, but I am not. I was able to sit through Legend of the Guardians happily, because the animation was beautiful and the battle sequences quite thrilling in those three dimensions. Seeing the same movie whilst not equipped with the increasingly stylish 3-D glasses though, and you have a problem.
An owl hurls a rock at another owl during a battle. That rock flies through the air in slow motion. What had once been an exciting three-dimensional battle move, in 2-D becomes a rock taking three minutes to move across the screen. What had once been a feeling that you were actually in a rainstorm becomes just a computer generated image of some rain. The movie’s true colors are clear when they are not masked by the excitement of 3-D.
And so I ask of you, move-goers of the world, to rebel against this new phenomenon. Repeat after me: I refuse to pay $11.50 for a movie I wouldn’t see when it costs $7.50. I refuse to sit through the brainchild of some Hollywooders trying to make a quick buck. Movies cost enough anyway.
But above all, I refuse to allow a movie like Avatar to ever be nominated for Best Picture again. Ever, ever again.
